I am MAD

I am sure most of you already heard and know what the outcome was of today. What do I say except I am really mad. He actually went in right around 3pm today and was waling into the waiting area right around 3:30. I knew then, plus I could see it in his face. He told us that it had spread and there were about 12 spots in her liver about as big as his pinky fingernail and all he could do was close her back up. I keep thinking what was the Pet Scan for? Well it was to see if it had spread and the scan was all good, which means an open door to go in and try. However, I guess you hear what want to hear but he did say the only way to tell is get in there and look. But seeing her finally out of recovery and the pain from the "attempt" just makes me MAD thinking why could they not tell for sure, why did they have to put her through this attempt for not! I am not blaming I am just venting.

Dr Price was really great to sit there and talk with all of us and answer any and all questions even Nancy's! Nancy if you are reading this I really am sorry for snapping at you! I did not take this well and I dont but I do know why. I heard about half of what Dr Price was saying, some of it sounded like blah blah blah. But if I am correct he is going to give her a couple days to recoup from just cutting her open then we will go the pallative route like putting in a permanent stent and thing to help with the pain like anesthetic block of the celiac plexus. This will aide it pain control. I know he felt real bad coming to tell us this and I also know that he was planning on doing ALL he could do if this was retractable. But the bottom line is that this sucks.

I did not handle and process this well. Even knowing what I knew based on all that Dad and read and talked about it still blew me away. I guess if you knew that this is the one thing that you can for Pancreatic Cancer and you are finally told you cant do it, that really hits home. I guess Dr Price stayed awhile and talked some more but I just felt like I could not breathe plus I felt hot and like I was going to be sick. So I got up and left and I think I walked fast around that hospital about 2 times, threw up, then finally found a little a park area and tried to calm down. I called Brian because I knew I could not and did not want to talk long and I did not want to make any calls and I knew he would do it for me. I did however call 2 people that I wanted and that was Carla and Kim.

I am glad I called Carla, love you Carla and thanks! I knew she would understand why I was so mad but we dont need to go into that here. She talked me down and thru thanks again. Then eventually I went back to the waitig area and I was able to get hold of Kim.

Now, today was Kims and my only baby Paige's birthday and this is the news they got. I am sorry girls it had to come today. And Paige I am truelly sorry I could not be there for you and that this could not be a celebration for the day God gave me the most wonderful daughter in the world! And Kim I know you had your family around you but after reading your post on FB that "call" was not good. And Matti thank you so much for helping me get hold of your mom. PS you can always count on texting a teen with a quick response.

I am tired but felt like I needed to post all this. probably for me not for all you lol. Now, its just thinking what in the world does the future hold? Now that I know this I do not want to leave my moms sight, whether good or bad I want to whatever, whenever she wants. How in the world will i accomplish that? Maybe BO has situations like this in his stimulus packages or health care bill... NOT!

I am going to post some pictures that we took before the surgery. I thought you might like to see.