MY FIRST BIRTHDAY WITHOUT MOM PART 2

Hmmm, people must have been praying because I said today would suck and it did NOT. Thank you everyone for prayers and the non "silence"! I had so many Birthday wishes today, it was a very nice day. The day tried to start out bad but it sure did change. I have so many good people in my life.

I have said previously that I am getting involved with raising money for PC. I have made some contacts and you will see more inoformation so please keep checking in to see what is happening.

If you are face book you saw some links I posted. Well, via what I posted I need to say THANK YOU so much to the BOUNCIN BUCKEYES (with a little IRISH twist), these girls are walking the PURPLE STRIDE this Saturday for Pancreatic Cancer. Thank you so much!

Here is the local affiliate link (Central Ohio) http://www.pancan.org/section_get_involved/volunteer/affiliate_details.php?id=77
Check it out and go to the online store and get your "purple" gear for November, PC Awareness Month. Post this link to your favorites and keep checking.

The end of my first birthday without mom has ended extremely well thanks to all of you. I wish I could list eveyone and how but that would be way long. You all know who you are so thanks again so much.

Love,
Ang

JOYCE AND JOSEPH THANKS

From my cousin Melody

I just wanted to share what my cousin Melody wrote on facebook it was so nice!

And...so now..the realization sets in,......never knowing just how MUCh she meat to you, and how much life means to any of us....nor how much living she did, and the lives she touched..untill she 's no longer there... look up, at the sky on a star-filled night, you will see ONE star just a little brighter..blinking a... litte softer... and think..."I bet mom talked God into letting HER light that star tonight! Just for me....... and Connie could do it too..!
Love to you all..

Gotta go now and look for that star!

MY FIRST BIRTHDAY WITHOUT MOM

Well, all I can say is it will suck and of course it will, I said it would! 44 years of birthdays and she has been present in some fashion. I have either heard her tell me Happy Birthday over the phone or in person, give me a hug or send me a card, and this year there will be SILENCE. So dont call or text me to say Happy Birthday, instead, just be silent for a moment and remember my mom.

Thanks,
Ang

CONNIE AMOS - Celebration of Life Sept 4th, 2010

Moms celebration of life was a very nice event, with everything from crying to singing to eating to visiting to talking and a late night! I believe this was a "must see" event. I have so many people to thank so where do I begin?

Well, to ALL the many people who came and took time out to remember my mom we thank you! We also thank you for all the food that you brought...WOW....mom would have been happy. Our family and friends sure can cook!

There sure are lots to thank for the help in putting this together! First and foremost is Dad and Paige ( well Dad just a little more as she is only a teen haha ), they both helped with all the cleaning, yard work and Dad well he was the food and pop and all the "running" around details. Paige if you are reading this you are probably thinking I am "dogging" you by my comment BUT just know this you WERE a BIG help and I love you!

Now there is Tracy she was a big help with some very important details flowers and memorial leaflet. She made an awesome leaflet that I tried to post on here but I can not but here is what the poem said:

God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not to be
so he put his arms around you
and whispered,
“Come to Me”

With tearful eyes we watched you
and saw you pass away
and although we love you dearly
we could not make you stay.

A Golden heart stopped beating
hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us
he only takes the best

Now, if that doesnt make you cry I dont know what will. That poem was the MOST perfect poem and totally describes these past months. Tracy THANKS AGAIN! Now she also came up the weekend before and helped me in the gardens and after all the weeding she did, she realized 2 things: ONE - it needed more color and TWO - she got into some poison ivy or oak. As for the needed color, she contacted the Marlene, from Fruits of Life (this is the woman mom got most of her flowers from) and this woman set us up big time with some very nice potting arrangements, thanks MARLENE. Now for the poison ivy/oak well it was a real pain for Tracy but I think she finally got the right medicine and is should be going away now. Sorry for all that Tracy, but next year stay AWAY from the shed!

There are probably more I am missing and I am sorry but the last people I need to thank are the ones that cleaned up my kitchen! I remember walking in the door looking at everything and then saying wow yuck now way not now and walked back out. But the next time I walked in BAM it was clean so thanks and I do know one person who was doing stuff inside was Danielle so thank you so much Danielle it was nice for you to keep up on that stuff. I know others helped her like Carrie and Paula and I thank you guys. It was a great relief not to have to go to bed worrying about all that. I love you all.

There is more I would like to say, but I wanted to get on here and tell ALL of you thanks and it was a great special day on Saturday, thanks to so many people! I love you all and will talk again soon.

WOW IT IS HARD TO GET BACK ON HERE!!!

I need to do this....... this is me telling myself this so you dont have to read lol

I miss my Mom, I want her back! There is no new normal, because she is gone so how can things be "normal"? Everything in this house, in this yard everywhere reminds me of her. You should have seen me try to clean her room the first time or this weekend, getting Paiges Sr pictures, Mom was supposed to be there. Tomorrow is Paige's first day of her Sr year, where is my Mom? It is not fair and we will never understand and that just sucks.

Ok, thanks for reading my venting. I just thought...this is alot cheaper than therapy, I am glad I am back on here. I hope people will read.

We are all starting or have started back into life. Dad is always busy running or doing something UNTIL 6pm, then news and dinner. He is such a good guy and I dont give him enough credit. He is on top of groceries, stuff we need, unloading the dishwasher and other odds and ends. He thinks like Mom but so do all of us!!

Paige has been just working a lot since its Summer but school starts tomorrow. She told me her good thing out of all this is that she feels more determined. Her and Grandma talked and Mom wanted her to fullfill her dreams and Paige feels like Grandma is right there for her and she is on a mission for what she wants to do.

MOMS MEMORIAL - For any of you reading I hope you know about the Celebration of Life we are having for mom. See I called it Memorial but its supposed to be celebration of life. Seriously, what the hell do you call it GEE! SATURDAY SEPT 4 be here at 1pm. If you need directions or whatever send me a message. If you can not be here and want to say something write it down and get it to me as we will have it displayed and/or be reading it throughout the day.

Now, that I am back on here I wanted to let you know about my mission. That would be raising money for PC (pancreatic cancer). I want to thank Jeannie from the Over My Head place for suggesting I do this! Jeannie, you just might see something on the news lol.

Seriously, I want you all to know that I am going to something to help raise awareness and money for PC. All you hear about is other cancers so why not PC? I had a friend tell me that when you say PC everyone says wow that is the worst cancer to get. So why not do something, even if it is little, about it? Anyone on here reading knows that this is something I could do, so I need you to pray, suggest and offer any ideas that could help! There will be more information regarding this at a time when I have more information and/or whatever.

I want to take a moment and thank you and others for ALL your comments, flowers, cards, donations, kind words, texts and just all around support. You do not know how much it is all appreciated. I hope to see you all on the 4th of Sept.

Love Ang

CELEBRATION OF LIFE

Well, we are going to have a celebration of life for mom. We cant let it end without getting some of us together.

This will be

Sat Sept 4 at 1pm to whenever

Where - Our house 3638 Juniper St Grove City Ohio 43123

What to bring - Lawn Chair, swim gear, cover dish

Provided - Meat, place settings and drinks

from 1-1:130 service for mom with a few songs

1:30 - eat, kids can swim, visit

After eating our friend Dick with have a Mic set up for people who want to say anything and I am sure we can get Dick to sing some more.

We are not sending out formal invites so tell people who are not on facebook and/or dont read the blog. If you could provide a head count for you and your family please RSVP in the subject line of an email and send to lamos2@columbus.rr.com All we need is your name and amount of family members. Thanks.

Lee-Angela and Alan Family

EMAIL I GOT FROM PAULA

Beautiful memories of Aunt Connie Amos that will live forever in my heart!!

- Beautiful pendants she always wore on her left side
- Her beautiful blue eyes that was full of love.
- Planning the next meal while we were eating a meal.
- Wearing one of many cool looking reading glasses (I think she had one for every outfit she wore, so it seemed).
- Her beautiful jewelry that had meaning and caught your eye.
- Her gorgeous flowers she planted every year. She truly had a green thumb
- Her love for frogs - I don’t think I will ever look at a frog the same again.
- Late midnight snacks- she always amazed me how she was hungry for something so greasy so late at night. – White castles and Dicarlos pizza come to mind..
- Connie earning her beaded necklace at Jamboree in the Hills-That is a memory I will never forget and I will say no more. 
- Feather and stencil painting- Connie had a wonderful artistic side. She feathered and stenciled painted our walls shortly after we moved into our home. She stenciled Evelyn’s furniture in her bedroom. Now, it’s a beautiful memory we have in Evelyn’s room.
- Playing bingo – great times!!
- Gambling at wheeling- I never had any luck but she always did!!!
- Playing cards- many great memories
- Having bon fires- loved sitting outside with her and the family and listen to some great stories she shared.
- Baking Christmas cookies with her, Danielle and Angela- wow !! We made so many cookies. We stored them in Donato’s pizza boxes. I think one Christmas I brought home 10 pizza boxes full of goodies. – No lie.
- Pool side in flushing- lots of good memories and fun times
- Four wheeling in her backyard in Flushing- many laughs
- Talking to her through IM all the time while I was a stay at home mom and she lived in Flushing. She always kept me company and we would talk for a great length of time.
- Our trip to Gatlinburg. I loved going to the shops with her and watch her buy another set of dishes of which she had many other sets at home.
- Eating in the (what I thought was very elegant) dining room in Flushing on her good china. I knew eating in that room was to be of some importance for it was not often.
- Keeping the house as cold as an igloo (in Flushing)- I will never forget the first night I stayed in that house. I thought my feet were frost bitten and my nose was frozen. I have never met someone who loved a very cold house like she did.
- Sleeping under layer, upon layer, upon layer of sheets in the spare bedroom- the beds in her home were always nicely made and cozy. The sheets were tucked tight.
- Her uniqueness on gift wrapping
- Her beautiful bows she made for gifts
- Meeting her for the first time- her face and eyes were radiant and beautiful
- Taking Preston for a week when he was a toddler- she always had a special place in her heart for my red head.
- Always being persistent – saying “no” to Connie was not an answer she would accept.
- Going to the gift shop at Der Dutchman to look around- we both bought some gifts in that shop. It was always a given. 
- Eating a late night snack or another dinner at Eat n Park. This was a restaurant she and I went to after gambling. It was just she and I and we talked for a long time.
- Taking a night swim with her and the family in Flushing- some good laughs on those nights.
- Camping for the first time with her at Aunt Danielle’s cabin.
- Shooting a gun for the first time with her at Aunt Danielle’s cabin. - That will be probably be the last time I shoot a gun.
- Having a girl’s weekend in Flushing- she gave each of us girls a gift. She gave me a makeup brush set of which I still have and will always keep.
- Staying the weekend at her house in Flushing. The dinner table was always set with place mats and cool napkin ring holders. I don’t ever recall seeing the same place mats or napkin ring holders twice.
- Special memories from the Disney Cruise
- Spending time with her on the beach before we went on the Disney Cruise
- Spending time with her and Angela at the awful waffle after playing Bingo.
- Eating ice cream with her and the family at Graters
- Spending time with her at the Heibel family reunion
- Spending New Years with her and the family
- Drinking Diet Pepsi
- Asking me to carry on her name sake of which we did, Evelyn Patricia
- Giving me a flag ring of which she had as well I complimented on the one she wore one day while in Gatlinburg. Next thing I know, she got me one too.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST- LOOKING ME IN THE EYES, AND TELLING ME SHE LOVED ME!!!

I JUST WISH - BY BROOKE AMOS

My brother gave me this poem that Brooke (my neice) wrote:

I just wish - she would open her eyes and see me

I just wish - she would grab my hand and hold it tight

I just wish - she would smile and say I love you

I just wish - she would live

Brooke that was awesome and we all wish the same things you do. But know this Brooke, she is watching you, and she is right there with you just feel her hand and feel her love and she is now really living and eternally!!

Love ya Brooke!

OUR NEW NORMAL

As my cousin explained we will now begin a "new normal". I dont want a new normal but this is the way it has to be. She also told me it is not the situation it is how we react to the situation that will get us thru. Jen, you are a great lady with some very wise words. I cant say enough about how much your phone call and comments meant to me, especially the insight regarding the baseball bat!

I guess my first new normal was a very good night sleep. Paige and I slept in moms bed and laid there for a long time just talking, which we really have not done in awhile. We did not get up until 12:30 and probably would not have gotten up then but Alan came in and woke us up. But that is what Alan does, wakes everyone up lol.

I am sitting here wondering what to do with myself now. I have that feeling you have afer you have planned and worked for a big event and the event is over and now what do you do? One thing I am going to continue to do is post on here. This will be cheaper than paying a therapist lol. So I hope I dont bore you all :)

One thing that is kinda bothering me is that we are not having a funeral/memorial. Not really a formal funeral but a memorial for mom. She did not want one but I had told her that a memorial would not be for her its for the living. We decided then that we would have a "living memorial" but as you know things did not work out that way. I would love to gather with family and friends and visit and talk about mom. I guess its kind of like a closure and a celebration to whole thing. Maybe I will work on Dad about this.

I have not mentioned Alan and Dad but just to let you know they both are doing ok as usual they are out running around doing errands or whatever.

Thanks for all your comments on here I love reading them keep them coming. Love and appreciate all your support and love!!

OBITUARY

Connie Heibel Amos went peacefully to be with The Lord on August 2, 2010. She passed away in the comfort of her home located in Grove City Ohio. She was surrounded and cared for by her loved ones until the very end, after being diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer.

She was born in Columbus Ohio on April 6 1944 to Leroy “Pete” and Evelyn “Peggy” Heibel and was a graduate of West High School. She became a long time resident of Flushing Ohio after meeting her husband Lee Amos.

Connie was foremost a wonderful mother and fantastic homemaker, then later served as a public official for the Flushing Township.

She left behind her husband Lee Amos, daughter Angela Amos Jacob and grand daughter Paige Jacob, son Alan Amos and wife Tracy along with their children, grandson Justin and grand daughter Brooke Amos, her sister Danielle Weber, and sisters in law Barbara and Sharon Heibel. She had many nephews and nieces and their spouses who loved her dearly. Nephews Brian (Paula) Heibel, Mark (Robbon) Heibel and Neices Mindy (Jeff) Bowling, Carrie (Ben) White and Michelle (Eric) Baker along with the many, cousins and dear friends. All of these people were a fantastic support to mom and us thru this entire ordeal.

Connie was preceded in death by her parents, two brothers Bob and Tom Heibel and brother in law Danny Weber.

Connie will be deeply missed by her loved ones and friends. There will be no formal funeral or memorial but we ask that donations be made to Mount Carmel Hospice for the great care they gave to Connie and her family during this difficult time.

TWO BIRTHDAYS TODAY

Today is my neice Brookes 13th birthday. Also, our friends Mark and Cindy's daughter Bailey turns 1 today. These little girls had a special place in moms heart and I was sad that today they will remember this as the day of moms passing. But both Brooke and Baileys mom both told me it would be a day to celebrate their birthdays and day to celebrate Grandma/Connies life. How awesome. I wanted to share their pictures with you!

THE FIGHT IS OVER

Mom took her last breath here and the next breath she took was in Heaven at about 5pm this evening.

She was not alone Paige was laying down with her when she passed.

If you havent gotten a call and are reading about this on here I am sorry but we just did not have the energy to call lots of people.

I asked others what the title of this post should be and several ideas but since I was writing this all along I dedided The Fight is Over. Paige also had a good one "Sweet Relief" and I guess that would apply to all.

Posting Comments

Hey, this is Paige. Mom was telling me how people are having trouble posting comments. So, I was told to tell you how to post a comment on the blog. Underneath every post it'll show how many comments have been posted. Like 0 comments or 3 comments. Something like that, if you click that a new screen will come up and show the post and if you scroll down it'll show a box. Type your comment in that box and click post comment. Easy, right?

NURSE ERICA WAS HERE

Erica was the nurse who was here last Monday and was fantastic in helping us to get mom comfortable and the medications started.

Tom must be off today, so it was Erica who did the visit. We are nearing the very end now as moms blood pressure is 56 over 26. This means we are very close to the end. I think we will be spending the majority of the day in her room with her. We all want to be there when she passes and I hope we are there to witness her soul leaving this earth and headed to her eternal life which mom has thru Jesus Christ.

Dear Lord,
Take good care of my mom and let her know we are all ok and we will see her soon!

MONDAY MORNING

Again all is the same. The nurse will be here later and if there are any updates I will be sure to share.

During this time I have received several emails, posts on here and messages on face book and I wanted to share this one. To the person who wrote this I withheld your name for your privacy :)

Hi ANgela, I am a good friend with Michelle Baker, I have not meant you but I am following your blog on your Mom, I want you to know that I am standing in the gap (God always preveils) knowing God is preveiling in your Mom. As I was praying and worshipping this morning the beautiful picture of the angels all around your Mom was breathtaking. I seen Jesus stand at his throne (no I did not see his face I just know it was him) As he cried to his Father I heard him say thank you Father for my child she is mine. He was no longer sitting athe right side but standing to help your Mother through this journey. He is with her and you. I seen the angels all around her four on each side on at her head and one at her feet. Worshipping Jesus preparing the way. I know your heart is breaking and I am standing at the alter for you crying that God will comfort you through this journey. If I can do anything clean mow grass laundry, please call me. I fully agree with you and your brother cancer is a MF and you did not offend me I too have fought this monster. I might even make a tee shirt with that statement. lol If you need any thing feel free to call me or Michelle. I am holding your mom to the throne room of God. I pray that she leaves with you a great revealtion of heaven on earth.

Ok MOM....

just letting you know the yard is done and cut and cut and got things all cleared out just like you would be doing. The bag was so heavy I had to have Alan take it around, sound familiar? lol

I just checked on mom and she is laying there peacefully except for that congestion like sound. I would love to pick her up pound on her back and make her cough. From all that I have read and been told this is ok it only bothers "us" not her.

I have had some questions about mom and what state she is in ect. Now, before I say this please undersatnd this is my theory but if I am like my mother then I am right LOL.

Early Monday morning something must have happened that affected her brain, maybe some cancer went to the to the brain maybe a blood clot I dont know. But the symtoms were brain/mental like. Now understand from this point mom was non communicative, she has not talked to us vocally. I will also say when her eyes are/were open I do not believe they were seeing us, if you know what I mean. For the first few days she was mobile meaning if we moved her she would actually try to situate herself and would move on her own. She would also adjust somewhat on her own. She took a turn the other day and now that is not happening and her eyes are not opening and she is not responsive. She is now in the state that she needs positioned. My theory is that she is now in a coma but what do I know I am not a Dr I am a daughter. Also she is at the point now that she is NOT swallowing. Mr Medicine Man - Alan give her the meds but it take longer. You have to put in a few drops and just let it absorb into her gum and cheek.

I wanted to explain all that to make sure that you all know exactly what is going on and how it is progessing. If you have questions just ask and I will do my best to answer. Of course the bottom line is this sucks, knowing mom would NOT want it this way.

As sad as we might be about that I have to share some insight I have gained. If anyone read the comment from cousin Jen she mentioned how the family being together was a good thing in all this. Now, that I am looking at the past week I see this. All this family has come together in so many ways, new relationships have started and old ones have changes and/or become stonger. It is not like we all were estranged or anything but spending this amount of time develops and strengthens bonds.

Jennifer - You really gave me some wonderful words and thoughts that have really helped me understand, just like the above paragraph. I was so glad to have had the opportunity to speak with you tonight. No matter what we have to make the time to get together, even if it is only during a lay over here in Columbus!!!!

PS Jen I spent a few days with your mom in the Summer one year I believe it was 1984. I hung out with a neighbor and your mom had a live and boy was he cute! Anyway while I was there we (not your mom) went to a concert it was Wayone Jennings and Neil Young. I really had a good time.

Well, since gardeing, weeding, cutting back, swimming then hot tubbing I need a shower so off to get clean, relax and eat some dinner

Ok I am Heibel so shout out to some good food, thanks Michelle I am showering and trying some soup and I see the dessert bars I liker Iou ROCK-you know what we like!!! and the garden for some good tomoatoes I got like 8 tonight!

SUNDAY DAY 7

No changes in mom all is still the same so I have no new news. So think I will go out in yard to do some weeding or just get out there and do something normal.

Mom, I love girl so much. If I can not do anything right now to make you feel better then I am going to go do the things for you that you would like to be doing. I am going to miss you so very much!

MY ANGER IS GONE....WELL FOR NOW

I was just so mad during my last post but I/we have every right to be when we see this happening to someone we love. I just think about the punk who is bad and gets shot dead with absolutely no suffering then I think about my mom and her suffering and I do not see any fairness.

After I had my angry bought I just went upstairs and crawled in bed with mom and I read a little bit but then just grabbed her hand and held it and fell asleep. I woke up later and Paula and Brian had brought dinner, thanks guys! I ate then went right back up and held moms hand and slept until about 10 this evening!

Now I am thinking about who will be there for me when I am angry, sad, scared, happy or whatever. Mom has always been there for me thru the good and the bad. She is the one person who understood me and was someone I could always go to and I could always depend on her! That is soon to be gone, oh man what will I do, how hard is this going to be to loose my mom? For now it is just scary to even think about.

I AM ANGERY TODAY

If my heart could beat out of my chest it would today, my angry emotion is running really strong. We gave her a bath and washed her hair and it was 10 times harder today.

Like my brother just said Dag this cancer is just eating her up and we are sitting here watching it.

I dont understand I have prayed and prayed and prayed for NO suffering why is this prayer not being answered. Why does my mom have to suffer like this. Were'nt these last 2 moths enough from the surgery to the chemo and now this lingering dying process?

Well guess I better get off here and deal with this anger befor I post again. No worries though ther are no changes.

ALAN DOES READ THE BLOG.....

I need to notify everyone reading this blog that ALAN does read the blog now LOL

Just letting you know all is still the same with mom. Tom from hospice said today how amazed he was with her fighting all the way and that for now she is just fine. Tom is off on the weekend so he put down for people to stop by over the weekend but if we need anything all we have to is call. Since all is good, the plan for tomorrow will be another bath/wash hair day. And I have some comments from here that I printed off so we will do some reading too. Keep the comments coming as I am reading them to mom!

AGAIN I have to say thanks to Michelle. She gave me an awesome pedicure this evening, my feet feel so relaxed. And the color she painted them was this cool purple. I think purple will be the color for everything now and I do not mind. I even said to my neice tonight as we were making flower arrangements from flowers in the garden, that next year aside from what moms perinials I am going to plant all purple! And Brooke said she will help me plant next year. I will pass on the gardening I have learned from mom to Brooke. I hope I am as successful as mom so any advise and help will be appreciated lol

Stan is a man who was mine and Alans science teaching in high school. Well Alan just got a new little i-pad deal so he was working face book. Anyway, I told him to to Stans page and look at his pictures. Well, STAN if you are reading this I want you to know that Alan and I both had the best laugh we have needed for a long time! Thanks for posting all those. We only got thru 1/2 of them but will be picking up again soon for another laugh. Oh my goodness they are funny.

Love you all keep posting and keep reading!

PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS!!!

A Penny for your thoughts and what happened? A PENNY showed up at our door step last night:) Penny is a good friend of my moms and she is from Tennessee. Her and her husband Terry had so many good times with mom and dad over the years. Penny has two daughters Susan and Shaye, great girls.

After talking to Penny I guess I would have to consider her my Blog Groupie! She reads this every day, reads it several times and when I post she immediately tells Susan and Shaye "Hey Angela posted again". She loved the other day when I posted several times as she kept checking.

Penny and Susan had planned to come this week to visit with mom and all this went down. She finally called me yesterday and God bless her she was so upset that this happened. Since they already had reservations I told her to jump in the car and come on up, so that is what they (her and Susan). They were able to spend a little bit of time with mom and then we visited and I think it was really good for Penny. I think it made her feel better. They are still in town and hopefully they will stop again and she will bring the bestest dessert ever.....Woodville Dessert!

Love you Penny Terry Susan and Shaye!!!! And Dad, Paige and I WILL be taking you up on your offer to come visit. I love Tennessee and Penny hopefully you can introduce me to some of your famous people :)

FRIDAY DAY 5

Like I said leaving this earth and entering into the next must be a heck of journey as mom is still holding on. Again, remember she is in no pain and is comfortable. I think she must be taking this trip just like she has been things lately. She does a little bit, then has to rest and I am assuming that is how she is taking this trip.

Over this week she has had some friends stop in and say good bye, bring food and/or just be with us as we deal with all of this. We have had some good laughs, some times where we thought this is it, some anger, sadness and I guess any kind of emotion that you can think of. Basically since Monday we have been riding the fastest, slowest, highest, curviest roller coaster ever built!

I want to take a moment and give a huge HUG-KISS-THANK YOU to MICHELLE BAKER. She has been here all day every day. She has cooked, pampered us, cleaned, straighened up, done dishes, kept Paige company (as I am focused on mom) and she has read and loved on mom. So Michelle, we all Dad Alan and I just want to say thank you again for everything. And Michelle, since I had a good nights sleep and feel more relaxed, I am now ready for your treat :)

I am going to have a good day today no matter what because I finally passed out last night about 10:30 and did not wake up unitl like 9 this morning! Oh, my did I need that sleep as I think I had gotten under 12 hours up until last night.

Will keep posting I promise!

24 - 48 HOURS LEFT

According to Tom our nurse that is what we are looking at as far as time, but as usual nothing can be set in stone. He has based on the decline we see today. The decline is in her movement she is no longer moving herself at all. Her breathes are more shallow and it is becoming more difficult for her to swallow.

I am so afraid to leave her side. Alan had to get me to ride with him to go to Wendy's to get some ice tea. I did whisper in ear that I was leaving for a few minutes and not to go anywhere and she didnt.

I want to be there at the very end, but of course you know mom she will do what she wants to do LOL. All I can say is that it must be a heck of a journey over to the other side but the reward for mom will be the greatest, eternal life! I asked her to promise me when it comes my turn that she will be the first one to greet me when I arrive. I am believing she will honor my request!

COULD TODAY BE THE DAY?

It can not be today as it is overcast with no sunshine. She should be taken on a beautiful day because she is a beautiful person. There were plenty of times I as her child did not think she was beautiful, like when she was riding me about something, or punishing me or whatever. But then you grow up lol Why does it take until later in life to appreciate your mom totally? Maybe it is because you have to go "thru" all the other stuff to get to that point.

As for moms status today we are seeing the time draw closer. She is a little less responsive today than yesterday, but this is expected during this process.

I was just thinking why I am sad and it is not because of me its because of her. I am sad that this has all gone down this way. I am sad for all the poking, proding, surgeries, tests, scans and chemo she had to go thru. I am sad we did not get to do so many of things she said she wanted to do, when she was diagnosed back in May. I am that she has to leave a great man, my dad, who loves her so much. I have seen this gentle sweet side to him I never saw before. The only sadness I have right now for myself really is that she will not be here to see Paige graduate from high school.

Mom I guess you are right you are the QUEEN.....the QUEEN of my HEART and so many others!

A BABIES BUTT.....

Well, let me tell you that is what mom smells like LOL. It was a tough job but Paige and I did it! Paige you are the best daughter ever and will make a great Doctor someday.

It is weird mom can commuicate facially and physically and yes she did kind of get agitated when Paige and I were bathing her and washing her hair and all that. However, if you could have just seen how peaceful, relaxed and comfortable she looked when we got done! Her hair she really would be happy if she could see it, it was not totally like how she or Carolyn would have done it but it sure was close! Man, those shower caps are amazing!!

I just want to say you all are so wonderful and great with all your comments and such they are so appreciated. As a matter of fact, they go to my email and my dad was reading them this afternoon and he really enjoyed reading all your comments. It really made him happy even though he didnt know some of you, he was very pleased.

I will post again soon. I must be on a marathon, this is the 3rd one today but it helps me and you to keep you all posted!

TOMS VISIT

Well Tom our nurse came and check on mom. All is good and steady no changes. He checked her vitals and they are strong and up there like normal. There are some signs/symptoms that we will see that will indicate that we are closer and she is not exhibiting those as of now. So we could have some days left.

She just had her 2 oclock meds and they have kicked in so Paige and I are going up to make her happy by bathing her, washing her hair and doing all the things she likes. I know she will love this just as I am sure I did when I needed her to do all those things for me. I love her so much and although I am happy to do all this, it does hurt so much to see her like this.

Will keep you posted with any changes!

WEDNESDAY MORNING.....

Just letting you all know she is still hanging in there. No new symptoms or anything and still carrying a fever here and there. This morning it was 104 which is where we do NOT want it to go but we gave her the meds and cooled her body down.

Her case manager Tom is on the way here along with the social worker. Why the social worker I dont know.

Paula this is a funny for you, hopefully Brian already told you this. Yesterday we met Tom and on his way out he looked at me and said "you are the tough one arent you"? I thought you might get a kick out of that Paula, since you already think I am "hard"! LOL

CANCER IS A M.F.

My brother has not read this blog or told me anything until today. He said I have a title for tonight’s blog CANCER IS A M----- F-----! Now, I was trying to no offend anyone so I did not put the entire words. Alan is right though with his description. This is very hard to watch for everyone and really heartbreaking is the word.

It is 9:30pm and mom is still fighting. The only thing that has really changed today is that she is carrying a fever. The fever is up and down but it is all part of this process. Your brain stops controlling your body temperature. We give her children’s Tylenol and use cold clothes and it does work. She has gotten a little more agitated today but we are giving her meds for that. Her apnea is a little longer this evening and there is some blue/purple tint to her hands and wrist.

Dad, Alan and I have spent almost the entire day in there with her and she is comfortable and surrounded by all of us.

I want to give a shout out to Michelle and Danielle they have been here for the majority of the day and have taken care of us! They have swept, cooked, cleaned out a junk drawer, watered flowers, straightened up the house and have just been a God send! Tracy is our official clothes washer and dryer....PS Tracy I do need to show you where all the ironing is located :)

Now as for Carrie hmmm what has she done well I believe her statement was "I have done nothing". But that is wrong she brought Frog sugar cookies, you know mom loves Frogs! She has also helped Danielle and Michelle and has just plain been there for us.

We appreciate and love ALL you ladies and everyone who has been a support to us thru all this!

Oh, and one last shout out to my friend Gayle. She sent us a fruit bouquet and WOW how wonderful! The best was is the Chocolate covered pineapple YUM!

I am not a Dr (although I feel I got some kind of degree in the medical field thru all this) nor can I see the future, but I don’t feel there is much time left, so I am headed up to her room now.

As always thanks for your prayers and support!!!

Mom has taken a turn for the worse...

Things are not good; I think the term is that mom is "actively dying". I told you her blood counts were up and we brought her home on Saturday. She has had constant nausea and sleeping from the meds, with breaks of being awake and talking. Hardly any eating or drinking.

However, Sunday evening she was complaining of a bad headache. We gave her Tylenol and a cold cloth. Around 3:30 she got up to go the bathroom and was, I am guessing the word would be delirious. Dad got her settled and back in bed. I got up and started working about 6am, then around 6:30 dad yelled down and said he needed my help. We were unable to get her out of bed, she was not communicating verbally and she was just limp. We got her situated then immediately called Hospice and they were here fairly quickly.

Long story short, she is in the actively dying stage. The nurse said this evening that there are like 9 stages and she has hit about 7 of them. They said it could be hours or a few days.

I want you all to know she is surrounded by her loved ones and we along with Hospice are taking great care of her. She is really peaceful and comfortable. I just went in to cover dad with another blanket and she is very relaxed and calm.

I will let you know when things progress or whatever. I know some of you know and some of you don’t, but I really wanted to post on here today but now is the first quiet time I have had today.

Thanks for all of your love and support!!

WHAT CAN YOU DO FOR US?

Everyone wants to know what they can do for us and now I have 2 requests and if you have answers for ideas please let me know ASAP.

One - Mom wants us to go away as a family and we have a great offer from Tim and Kathy to use their cabin in Georgia. We really want to do that but it is an 8 hour drive and depending on mom and how she feels it might be to long of a drive. Does anyone have any ideas where we could go? The 8 hour drive does account for 2 days of just drive time and that will take of time spent together. We would like a place that will fit all of us so we can be together and be comfortable. Let me know ASAP if you have any ideas.

Second - I want to be with my mom without worry of work does anyone have any inside info on any Obama money availability that I can just take FMLA and GET PAID? I am serious this is BS that I cant just be here to take care of her and not worry about work and when I do work I am really not working because my head is not in the game. Please invesigate and let me know..... I AM SERIOUS ! My tax dollars go to all these loosers who dont do a dam thing, so its about time someone helps me!!!

MOM IS HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL

They released mom yesterday (Saturday). All her blood levels are back to where they should be, and they are staying there! That is good as it means the chemo is not still eating them.

However, mom went in for low blood cells not pain, so tell me why they kept her so doped up? You have to understand that we had 3 specialists seeing her while she was in the hospital and NONE of them were on the same page. Am I frustrated...hell yes! The pain specialist ordered a nerve block to be done and they did it, but it takes a day or two to kick in, and they kept giving her pain meds every 4-6 hours.
It would take me forever to write all that went on but long story short she was so doped up that they asked that we have someone stay with her at night as she would get out of bed by herself and that would not be a good thing. They said they could move her to a room closer to the nurse’s station or someone could stay with her. Well she was already hearing voices why would we want to put her closer to commotion? Dad stayed Thursday and I stayed Friday.

When Saturday morning came I was so frustrated as she was weak, totally bloated from the IV fluids and sleeping all the time, but everything else was good. All her levels were back up ect so why did they need to keep her? Well, when one of the Dr's came in that morning I asked and pushed and long story short they released her.

Now, just an FYI when you have a loved one in the hospital and sick like mom is someone needs to be there all the time or for the most part. Why? Because the patient needs an advocate! Why do they ask a question to someone who is so medicated and does not give true responses? So if you learn anything from this post, make sure if you have a loved one that is sick in the hospital make sure you have people there all the time. Oh, and the ones that are familiar with what is going on what meds they are on ect!

This is where we stand now, for now no more Chemo! I am sure she will have follow up with the Zang due to being in the trial and such but she was released with Hospice and today Dad signed the paper work to begin Hospice. Tomorrow we have the case manager, which will be her nurse that will come in and meet us and go over some things and do a more extensive assessment than the lady did today.

I really feel good about this as we have a contact right at our finger tips. As for mom, I really can’t say for sure where she is right now. Her pain has decreased due to the pain block but she is constantly nauseous and taking those meds every 4 hours which makes her tired therefore she sleeps all the time. When she does have a coherent moment, she is frustrated and per her words “I wish I would just die "!

Now you have to remember ALL this has been because of the Chemo. But there is a point when we can not keep blaming it on the Chemo. According to the Dr who released us she said we needed to give it about a week and if symptoms are still there and mom is not back to where she was before the Chemo then we can assume it is the cancer.

I guess we will give it some more time and hopefully she will come out of these chemo side effects and all the drugs that the hospital pumped into her and we can see clearly where we are in this process.

For now I just ask that you all pray for recoupment and strength for ALL of us!!! Thanks so much for all your support!

BOTTOM LINE....CHEMO SUCKS

The Chemo has been very hard on mom. You name a symptom and she has it or had it. The main problem is extreme fatigue. However, this second round hit her hard. Because her red blood cell count was low they almost did not treat her to begin with, but the Dr said she was not at the very bottom number so they proceeded with treatment.

Her symptoms dont seem to hit until the 3 and 4 day, which is what happened. She was in bed all day on Sunday and extremely tired then other symptoms started to hit. She was also carrying a low grade fever and we were told to monitor the fever and give her tylenol. We also needed to watch for other signs of infection, like coughing, congestion, things like that.

On Monday we called our nurse Sarah and can you beleive she was on vacation for a couple days! LOL She does have a back up, her name is Beth. We explained what was going on so they wanted us to bring her in so they could hydrate her via IV and push some other meds. Of course they also wanted to check her blood. Well, her white count was very very low. Previously she had been a 7.0 and was now .7! So they had to admit her to the hospital.

She has what they call NEUTROPENIA and this is a common side effect from Chemo. They admitted her to the hospital because she was so low and is very very suseptible to infection. They will treat her with Neupogen and/or Neulasta. This will make her feel alot better but the Dr said she can not be released until the counts go up. He explained that she will feel better immediately but her counts wont be up that will take some time. He said she will probably be there for about 3 days.

She will not be getting her treatment this Thursday, which personally I do NOT have a problem with that at all! What the next steps in treatment will be I have no idea but will keep you posted.

I need to do some heavy cleaning around here before she comes home and I also read that you should not have fresh flowers around. So I guess I have to Neutropenize the house. I am going to ask specifics on what I need to do, so looks like I better get busy!!!!!

I just want to give a shout out to CARLA-CARRIE-ROBBON AND MICHELLE!!!!! I love you guys and thanks for being there for me/us

SECOND TREATMENT

Mom had her second treatment yesterday. Her main side effect is fatigue and now accompanied by some crankiness. Poor dad he really gets the bulk of it, but ah he takes it like a man.

Moms hemoglobin is low so she will need to start cranking in some iron to her diet as they do not want it to stay low, that would not be good. But that is the reason for the extreme fatigue she has now.

She is drinking more water and eating small bites frequently. So thank you Sarah for whatever you said to her because she is towing the line now!

She will have one more treatment next week then will be off for a week. I will be anxious to see the results of the tests as opposed to when we started.

Love you all!

SORRY ITS BEEN A FEW DAYS .....

Sorry I have not posted but when your work requires you to be on the computer all day, sometimes it's hard to get back on at the end of the day!

The major side effect mom is having is the fatigue and it was the most extreme yesterday. I would say yesterday she was the most tired and hasnt eaten that much. Over the weekend, she did good eating, she did not drink as much I would have liked to have seen her drink and she carried a low grade fever with some chills. The fever spiked over the "call you Dr if" your temp goes over 100.5. That was Saturday night and it went to like 101.1 but within the hour was down to 99.8.

We told Sarah about the fever and they did have her come in yesterday. They did blood work and a chest xray and it all looked fine. They also drew some blood from her port which they will run cultures on to see if there is any bacteria or whatever. She was scheduled to have another treatment tomorrow but they changed it to Thursday since they saw how tired and fatigued she was.

I only saw mom for about 2 minutes this evening, then she went back up to bed. I went up and laid down with her for a little bit and she did seem to be more alert than yesterday! So we could be on the up swing,for what a day or two, then of course its time for the next treatment!

This makes me think of that song by Chumbawamba, it keeps running thru my head "I get knocked down but I get up again" and if I could just get mom to push herself to fulfill the rest of those lyrics which are "Your never gonna keep me down"! Hmmm maybe I should record it and play it over and over when she is asleep?

I am sure tomorrow will be better! I dont want to push her but then I do want to, but when? I guess I will just have to follow my instincts as to when to and when not to. Wish me luck on that one lol.

I will keep you posted after this next treatment and stay in prayer that it will be easier and not so much fatigue. I do know some of the anxiety will not be present as she has already been thru it and knows what to expect. And then there will be one more treatment the next week and she will have 2 weeks off, then time for cycle 2!

MORE THAN 24 HOURS AFTER CHEMO

Mom slept from the time she got home yesterday ( 1:30ish ) until 8:30 this morning. Now, we did get her up a couple times to take her temp, make her drink and try to get her to eat a little bit. She did fine, although her temp got to 100.4 and you need to contact the Dr if it goes to 100.5. Needless to say it did not but I think making her drink helped. Yesterday was a total wash and she said this morning that she has NEVER felt that tired and she could not explain how it felt, except she just needed to close her eyes.

She got up this morning by herself at 8:30 and she has done fine all day. She has been drinking, eating (not a ton but good), no nausea or anything! Dad and I had to tease and say "yeah sure you are feeling good because you know Alan is coming up tonight"!

In all honesty she has good color and NO side effects. She is not out running around or anything but has a good head on, if you know what I mean. I dont know what it is but cold foods do sound good to her. However, Paige woke up this morning and made scrambled eggs with chees and toast and mom said "oh no" but tasted it and BAM ate! Thanks Paige love you! She even brought me down a plate while I was working.

The wig place we are going to called today and had a cancellation for tomorrow so we have an appointment at 1pm tomorrow and Alan will be able to be here.

At the moment I have her upstairs snapping green beans that I picked from the garden. I guess if she is going to lay around she might as well do something right?

We are all so happy this went well and will continue to keep you posted. Love you all and have a great weekend!

CHEMO WENT WELL

This took longer than expected but due to needing to meet with the Doctor, blood work and such. For the first hour they filled her full of side effect meds like anti anxiety and nausea meds which make you tired. Then less than 2 hours to administer the Chemo meds.

She is fine and did well, but is now sound asleep upstairs on the couch. I guess we can give her a break and let her sleep for a little while lol. Now, we just have to watch her over the next 48 hours and all will be good until the next treatment. It should be a lot easier as the anxiety of the first one and what to expect is over.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers as always!

CHEMO COUTDOWN

Tomorrow is the big day, first chemo treatment. It is at 8:45am and according to my notes to give her both drugs it will take approximately 2 hours. With Gemzar alone it is about 1.5 hours but with this additional drug it will be an extra 30 minutes.

I really did not say this in the previous post, but this is a "clinical trial" treatment. She had to test into the treatment and once accepted she was put in a random drawing to be in either group A or B. Group A gets both drugs and Group B gets only the Gemzar. The "drawing" was today and she will be getting the combo - with the new drug, which is Group A. This is a good thing and the call was good news. The combo will be Gemzar and Abraxane. This is phase 3 of the trial and after this trial the next step is to have it FDA approved for treatment. If you want to know more go out there and read about Abraxane and you will find promising results in phase 1 and 2. This is why Sarah is our "go to girl", she will be monitoring moms every step and she is the liaison between the Drug Company and mom.

Mom had a good day today, but became a real crab later in the day. I came home and my goal was just to clean. I want her to be able to come home tomorrow to a clean house plus a big factor in chemo is "odor" and I did not want her to have smell all the cleaning stuff after her first treatment. I also had her come to her room so she could help me organize stuff for her. We have so many things (meds) on hand for side effects and such and I just wanted her to have easy, organized access to it all. Now the funny part is will it stay that way LOL. Mom just really does not care about that kind of stuff right now. And if any of you know her that is totally out of character.

God does still deliver when you need it, he always knows. It was a bad day at work today, computer problems and our IT department did not help at all. I was very frustrated! On top of that yesterday I had to make an appointment at a WIG place for mom and today I had to call about getting into a caregivers class that was recommended by the Zang. How freaking depressing!

So I need to give a shout out to Mike he is a guy who I used to go to church with, he works at the same place I do and he is friends with Brian. Well, he came up to me today and wanted to introduce me to someone who works for him. She has cancer, is getting Chemo and told Mike she would talk to mom if she needed someone to talk to. He introduced us and Linda and I talked for awhile about all this stuff. Linda is a very nice lady and get this she is getting treated at the Zang too! What a small world! She does not have the same cancer as mom but she had some nice insight to a few things. It was great to talk to someone who has been there done that and is still doing it. As a matter of fact, guess when her treatment is…..yep tomorrow morning! She will start her treatment shortly after mom, so she is going to ask her nurse to introduce her to mom.

Depending where you are in this picture we are ALL going thru stuff and it would be great for mom to have someone to talk to. You know someone to understand how she is feeling and how scared she might be for this first time. Someone to call afterwards and say hey I am feeling this way or that way blah blah.

There are so many side effects and you don’t what or if you will get any of them but hair loss is the big thing. Linda has lost hers but I am telling you she looked good! Boy did she have some things to say about hair loss. The one thing I never thought about is that you loose you nose hair! Those are the hairs that filter what you breathe…duh! I wonder why they talked about congestion and breathing and such well you will be in haling everything and think about all the allergens that are out now that make you stuffy and such. She also told me wigs are synthetic and they catch fire easy, so mom will not be doing any cooking on the grill, that’s for sure! She said the scarves are so much cooler, especially this time year now that we have this crazy heat wave. That is good because mom loves to wear a bandana!

Linda had so much information on a personal note that I pray mom gets to know her and will communicate with her. Mom does need that kind of support. If you are reading any of this Linda, I want to say again thanks so much for you time today and your personal insight, it was such a blessing at the time we talked!!!!

Ok now I just need agreement and prayer that mom will do fantastic and this will help us get the Connie back that we know and love!

Love you all XOXOXOXOXO

The 4th of July weekend

Well we had a nice weekend! Now at first mom was sleeping a lot but on Saturday we had plans for Brian/Paula and the kids to come over to swim and watch the Grove City Fireworks. Well, mom was dragging and down but we got her up and moving (it took a bit but we did it). She ended up hanging out all day or most of the day by the pool then her and Brian went to get flowers for these big pots at the end of our pool. The flowers look great but ah just something else for me to water lol.

You know the nurse said she needs to make sure she get her exercise so I wonder if I DONT go out and water will that spur her on to doing it herself? Hmmm have to think about that one :)

Well like I said we had a good weekend and she enjoyed Brians' being around. Now the baby in the picture is Keegan, no he is not mine dont worry haha. It is our neighbors (Jan and Keith) grandson (parents are Steve and Sasha) He is only like 2 months and he is just a doll! Steve and Sasha you take good care of him and I am here when you want to go out to eat with Keith and Jan and not take the baby!!!!!

All of us ended up watching the fireworks and Natalie and her man Jess came too. It was all very nice. After the fireworks our other neighbor Mona had some other friends over and they all, Jean-Mona-Kathy-Wil-Betsy came over to say hi to mom and that really made mom happy. She really did enjoy all the people.

Now for the next day, that was a different story. Of course dad was up early as usual but Paige and I slept until noon and I dont think mom got out of bed until 2ish. She stayed up for a couple hours but then went back to lay down around 4 ish got up again and then eventually to bed for the night. She manage to go out back and water her "new" plants but as for the rest no water!

Sunday was very much a "rest" day. Paige and I watched a ton of movies and just chilled. Dad did whatever and mom slept most of the day. I think that day of rest was good for ALL of us, because Monday we were ALL up early and hung outside ALL day.

I was bound and determined not to let mom sleep all day and she didnt she actually got up around 9 and was up for the entire day. Mom, Paige and I just hung out back, watered the flowers, trimmed and cut the flowers, swam, sat in the sun and just chilled again. It was another, very good day for ALL.

Tomorrow mom has her PET Scan in the afternoon and then hair cut on Wednesday and first Chemo on Thursday. We are all prepared for the Chemo with medicines and such that they suggest and so forth.

However, the prayer we/mom needs is for strength for the Chemo. We need prayer for her mindset. We need her to be strong and rebuke any and all side effects from the treatment except for the good stuff like lessen her pain and STOP/RETARD the spread of the cancer cells. We need her to have a positive attitude and not believe that it will take her down. I hope you all know what I am saying. Mom is a strong person, and some of you really know that about her, so now she needs to focus that strength and conviction on this chemo!!! She also needs the strength to do what she is told to go to help this process ie like not sleep, eat, drink lots of water and get some exercise. It must be hard to push yourself for this stuff but she really does have a good TEAM behind. I think Tracy calls it "Team Connie".

So send her encouraging texts, voice mails, emails whatever just send them to her lets bombard her with positive thoughts and words! I think that will help greatly.

Pictures from this weekend!

Red White and Boom 2010

This is pictures of Red White and Boom for this year here in Columbus 2010.

I have to tell you this, I was watching TV and realized oh yes we can watch this on TV. Well mom and dad and already went to bed. But I know this is sad but I thought what if this is the last year I would ever get to watch this with her. And it is not like we sat around and watched every year but a memory of us being downtown just us ( mom dad and paige ) flashed into my head. I cant remember how old Paige was, I am thinking like 2 maybe. We had a great place and a great view. When I saw the fireworks start on TV I went up to moms room. She had something on but was asleep and dad was laying there reading. I changed the channell and tried to wake her. She said oh honey I am to tired to watch but you know what? Oh, well I laid on the bed beside her and watched it by myself, then within a couple minutes Paige walked in and I pulled her right up there with us. I did not care if mom was sleeping or not we laid there and watched.

I know it is better to be down there live but the TV and all of us in bed watching or not watching was the best :)

Pics of mom and sarah

Mom and Sarah!

This is mom and Sarah, remember I told you she was our go to girl our nurse at the Zang? This is a picture of her and mom from today. We had to go for our meeting with the nurse practitioner, Cheryl and talk about Chemo Education, blood work, insurance stuff then Sarah. She had to give mom EKG and of course just talk about everything.

This was Paiges first time there and I hope she learned lots. We got a tour of the place and all the other stuff they have to offer. They have a "look good feel good" class which mom wants to go to, so we will definately do that. They talk about make up and such and also ways to wear scarves and hats around your head when loosing your hair. However, they do have other options. As Cheryl explained, excersicing is one thing they want you to do while having chemo, they promote that while offering yoga and other classes. Cheryl was pretty tough in a good way. She talked about the eating and the just laying around. She said absolutely NO not eating and explained different things to do to help. She also talked about sleeping, she said the more you sleep the more you want to sleep. So called "power naps" turn into more sleeping.

I will be honest, mom was not with it today. Effects of surgery and the anesthesia from yesterday or anti anxiety meds I dont know but she was not with it today. This morning she was upset about hair loss. But the focus was not on her and how she would feel, it was on Alan and others who might not see her on a daily basis and then BAM no hair. Needless to say this stirred ALL kinds of emotions in her and just blew her up for the day! I have to say the people at the Zang were really supportive about this especially Sarah. I guess they hear it all and see what helps others. Now Alan via a friend told us about a place in Dublin called Hope Boutique and these places you need an appointment which is what we will get. However, Sarah had a great idea and I have heard about this before but when it does not hit you at home you tend to forget. Sarah was saying how some people, knowing this is going to happen or are in the process of it happening, have what they call a "SHAVE YOUR HEAD PARTY"! Think about this, this is way for YOU the patient to take control of a side effect. Kinda like get it before it gets you! Personally I think this is fantastic idea and could bring mom a lot of laughs and support! But before this is planned, I need to know I have some people on board for this, so who reading this blog is in????? I have really been considering this, why because its my mom and my hair will grow back, plus the one who will sign up will all be men and it is easier for men. I want to know the WOMAN who is out there that will support this, is there any takers? PS: let me remind you or lay some guilt on you this is what mom was focused on ALL day and she HAS to do this.

Ok enough about hair. Wow, again today total overload of information, do this if this happens, do that if it doesnt blah blah. There are so many things and tiny things to absorb! The Zang is really a nice comfortable place but of course during the tour when we went to the 2nd floor (chemo floor) mom did get upset, but I think I would too. It just really turned out to be not so good of day, but tomorrow WILL be better.

I need a reply for any takers on the head shaving and if interested you can go with us to Hopes Boutique.

THE PORT IS IN AND DONE

Its all done and it went fine, well except the hour delay of the surgery. It just makes me irritable because that is all we have done since May 8th is wait for this, wait for that. Pluse being back on that surgery floor and in that waiting area was just kind of depressing.

The good news is that mom did fine. She only received a twilight sleep, so she came right to and was ready to get moving. Her and dad went to Outback and she did real good eating. Hmmm about 1/2 pound of crab legs and a wedge salad! Then she came home and ran the trimmer and blew the grass off the driveway. After all that she decided she wanted rasberry sherbert from Graeters, so off they went. When she came home she did go up and lay down and watched her evening shows.

Dad was relaxed said he thought she might be spent for the day and maybe tomorrow. I guess she fooled us lol. It is Dad and I who are spent tonight, I guess worrying to much. He is in bed and I was on my way but remembered I had to post about the PORT.

Tomorrow is the Zang Center, with some odds and ends to do, then we will be done until the Pet Scan on Tuesday.

Happy 4th of July enjoy your long weekend!

Oh Alan where are you.....

Sorry I just have to harass my brother who doesn’t read this, but I know his wife will go back and tell him lol.

Anyway, he left yesterday and I told you what mom did, slept in then went back to bed. Now, today I have to cut her some slack because she had a rough night last night. She had to get that CAT scan and had to take those meds. Remember Dad had to wake her at 1:45 then at 7:45 and so on. That all went fine but of course she had to drink some dye then wait then get the scan.

I went into work today and on my home I called Dad and they were at 5 guy’s burgers and fries. They had not gone in yet but were getting ready to and they told me all went well and mom was in background say "ok Lee say good bye". This was meaning she was hungry. I was home when they got back and I was just getting ready to go water the flowers, which is not a fast process! Well, she came in and was going to put on her PJ's and come back down but never did. I think she came down once to smoke a cigarette and yes she still smokes and don’t say a word, the Dr already told her she could do whatever she wanted to do! My point was I did not see her. I got all watered and for the evening she was in bed. I talked to her a few times but that is about it. My personal opinion is that she should not eat 5 guys or whatever. She should not do the grease, she should eat frequently but smalls meals per day but she doesn’t do that. Hmmm, now I sound like the mother!

Since I was at work I don’t know what she did this afternoon, but Paige told me she was out back telling her how to mow the grass and trim. I love you Paige, but you need to learn how to do it right! Between Grandma and me "showing" you I am sure your job tomorrow will be great LOL! Paige also told me that mom was going around pulling some stuff here and there, which I did find on the grass but I finished the job mom so all is good!

Mom even being out in the yard is not anything she has done in a while, but I think I have to thank Dr Segal for that, because he said he wanted her "back out gardening". Why are other people can motivate her?

Tomorrow is the PORT so she has to be there at 9:50 and surgery at 11:50 and recovery, who knows how long that will take. I am only staying until Dr Price comes out and says all is done, Dad will wait while she in recovery and I will come back and finish my work day.

I better remember to take the camera for more pictures and who knows maybe he will sing again, and I will be prepared and record it this time lol.

I can tell you mom will probably be sleeping most of the day tomorrow and Friday will be an early day for her as we have to go to those Chemo classes, she has an EKG and a patient advocacy thing. She will have to get back on top of it as Saturday is the Fireworks here in Grove City and they are a blast from our own backyard!

I will try to post tomorrow after all is done but if I don’t, please don’t worry just know we all might be too tired.

Love you all and thanks for reading!

The NUMBER 8

Dad made a very odd observation today. He said do you realize there is something about the number 8 :

May 8th Mom was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer

June 8th Was that date of her surgery

July 8th Will be her first Chemo treatment

Isnt that odd? I guess I better go hook up with my friend Google and read about the number 8!

Talk about ALAN

Since my brother does not read this blog I was thinking I could talk about him LOL This will be kind of about him but in a good way.

Mom did so good over the weekend and yesterday as we were leaving the appointment, I mentioned how good she was doing. She said it was because Alan was here. Well, now of course dad and were like gee what are we? She went on to explain, that it wasnt just Alan it was having all of us togehter it made her feel good and safe. Most of you know my dad and of course he could not hold back on smart comment so he said hmmm I guess next time you need a late night snack or have a craving we will just call Alan and tell him to come do it. lol

But maybe there is something about Alan being here because today she never got up until noon and then her stomach hurt and she went back to lay down around 2:45 and didnt get back up until 5 ish. So I said hmmmm must be because Alan is gone!

Truthfully, I think she had a good full weekend and ate well and she just needed her rest. I am going up now to make a little dinner and I think we will watch a movie.

She has her CT scan tomorrow but she has a problem with the dye or whatever so they make her take Prednisone 13 hours before. So dad will have the pleasure tonight of waking her up at 1:45 am and start her on her doses:) Oh, we got a nice courtesy call from our go to nurse Sarah to remind us to start the dose at 1:45. Boy, she is right on top of all this, thanks Sarah.

Oncologist Appointment

All went well today however it was a long day! It was a quiet ride to the appointment as we were all a little nervous. I have say that changed after we were at the Zang Center for most of the day! We learned so much, they spent a very good amount of time with us explaining the treatment plan, then of course since we were there we got a few of the tests out of the way. Sarah, for now will be our nurse for this treatment plan and she was great. She made us all feel comfortable and she offered lots of information.

Gemzar is the standard chemo for advanced pancreatic cancer however studies have shown that combinations of chemotherapy drugs, called regimens, may produce more anticancer responses and improve the outcomes of patients with advanced pancreatic cancer than treatment with Gemzar alone.

We are going to do a combo treatment consisting of Gemzar and Abraxane. The Abraxane is showing a good response with Pancreatic Cancer so that is good news. However, we need to do some tests before she is treated with Abraxane for several reasons, can she tolerate it and the test will help us measure how it is working. So mom will have a very busy upcoming week, this is her schedule for this week:

Weds CT Scan
Thur Out Patient Surgery - it is minor it will be to put in a PORT and Dr Price will do this surgery.
Fri Education on Chemo class, patient advocacy and EKG

Next week (of course remember Monday is a Holiday):

Tues PET Scan, more blood work
Thur First round of chemo

I am felling somewhat positive of this treatment plan but we still need your prayers for strength for mom to get thru all these tests and begin treatment with and to be able to tolerate the chemo. I feel good about this Abraxane because what I am reading is showing it to have promising results in the advanced stages of PC.

As for mom she is doing very well. I think getting those staples out helped relieve some pain she was having. She did well this weekend; she enjoyed the family and ate well. She seems to be more mobile! And the best was today she really seemed to be alert and comprehending what everyone was saying. It was a lot to absorb and there will be more but she did very well.

Today seeing her, you would not think she had such an advanced stage of cancer. She still doesn’t have the energy she used to have, as a matter of fact she is in bed now but it was a long day! But Dr Segal wants to get her energy and quality of life back up there as he wants her back out there doing her gardening! He is a very nice Dr and mom likes him so that is good. I think it helps to have Dr's you like and feel you can trust.

I hope I have explained everything well enough, all I can do is try :) Thanks again for all your support and prayers, they are working!

Saturday with the Family

It was a good day today. This morning it was just mom, Alan and I as Paige had gone to work, Dad went to a sale and the rest were not here yet. It was kind of different with just us because as we get older we bring more people in, like spouses and kids so to be just us was very nice.

By noon Tracy, the kids and Danielle arrived and for the remainder of the day it was just hanging out and everyone just did their own thing. Some of us were out at the pool, taking naps, talking, running to scratchyville and just chilling!

Mom had a good day, she was up for the entire day and ate good. But how could she not eat well, we have good cooks in our family! Paige made some great potatoe salad, Danielle made her fantastic macaroni salad, I did chicken on the gril both barbeque and white sauce and get this.... Dad made baked beans LOL. No really he did and mom helped him by making sure he had the right amount of ingredients in them!

When it was just mom, Alan and I she did talk about a few thing. Now if any of you know, I mean really know my mom, you know that she is planner and like to be in control. These are now things that she can not be, as she has no control over this situation and it bothers her that she can not "plan" anything. What she means by "planning" is that she doesnt know how she will feel day to day therefor to say I am going to this or that on a certain day is hard. So many people have said you just have to take it day by day which now I beginning to understand.

I have also seen that the surgery took a lot out of her and she is beginning to recoup. I dont know if you understand what I mean but the past few days she has done well and I also think that getting the staples removed really helped in eliminating some discomfort. I think she really enjoyed today.

I also want to say thanks to everyone for giviing us/mom the time to recoup and absorb all this. I dont know what the future holds but I do know WHO holds the future and is in control.

Ok remember Monday is our appointment with the Oncologist so on the next posting I will let you all know what is happening and/or what will be happening. In the meantime send mom texts, call her, stop by ( cant guarentee how she will be ) but there is something about an improto stop by and say hello. If that makes sense!

Love you all!

My Brother ALAN

I had to post this picture. This is my brother and you know he told me he has not read this blog once! Can you believe that? Now, I know his wife, Tracy looks at it each day but he has not read one word! On top of that, Alan, Paige and I were just talking and she told me the same thing, she doesnt read it either. Well I guess maybe one day they will as it will be out here forever.

For all of you who do read and follow it, I thank you!

THE STAPLES CAME OUT!

Mom went to see Dr Price today and they removed the staples, of course after waiting for 2 hours! I guess when you have an appointment with a surgeon you should call before and ask if he is tied up in surgery. But this is with a lot of doctors, you have to wait and wait and then wait some more. The bad news is thanks to BO ( that is what I call him ) we will have to wait even longer!

Dr Price said her incision looks good and I believe she has some relief with them being taken out and it is much more comfortable. She asked if she could swim and he said give it 48 hours, then she asked if she could put on lotion he said hmmm give it 48 hours, so all will be good in 48 hours I guess.

Mom had kind of a bad start to the day with nauseau and then of course they had to wait for the Dr, then pick up meds which the pharmacy hassled her about because the Dr did not have something written on them correctly. Then she came home and became obsessed with the chicken we are having for dinner tomorrow and these cherries that were given to her from our neighbors cherry tree. Dad spent most of the day pitting the cherries and she prepped some for cherry pie and made cherry jelly with the rest. While cooking the cherries she thought she had the burner on for the pan and laid a pot holder on the other. Well needless to say it was the "other" burner that was on and the pot hold caught on fire. She grabbed it and went outside and yelled for me (as I was out in the back yard) as she bolted around the corner to grab the hose and put the flame out. Ok enough said, I think you understand at that point the stress level that was in the house!

On top of all this Alan was due any minute. Plus some friends from work Dana and Meagan had come over to swim and sun with me for the afternoon and Danielle was here dropping off the chicken. Danielle left, Alan showed up and I just stayed out of the line of fire in the backyard with my friends.

But there is a good ending to all of this! They had picked up Chinese so she ate and I am guessing that helped her because when I came in she was alot more calm. Plus Danielle texted me that sometimes its just the little things "like eating something" that can calm a person down. Dana and Meg left and it was just the original 4 - Mom Dad Me and Alan. We ended up talking about some stuff good and bad and old memories and to our surprise she wanted to stay up and finally went up to bed around midnight. Now, that is late very late for mom! Also, there is something about Alan that puts mom at ease and I think its because he is not as stressed as Dad and I and when he is here they always go get some scratchies and she won some money tonight LOL.

Like I said we talked about lots of things and we were talking about one memory and mom was literally holding her stomach laughing. Now that is a BIG first in a LONG time and well over due! This house does get depressing so it was good for all of us to laugh. As I am writing about this I am thinking that we are so obsessed with what is going on that we are NOT taking the time to enjoy. How funny that I am saying that because yesterday was a bad ANGRY day for me. I was really upset and when Paige got home from work we talked and she said this to me "instead of being sad mom we need to enjoy the time we have left with Grandma"! Can someone explain how my 17 year old got smarter/wiser than me? So I guess my revelation for the week is to enjoy mom instead of being sad and angry and everything else. I can do that later! Pray that I can do this because its going to be harder to do than say.

I want to say thanks to a few people. First and foremost to my wonderful daughter. Thanks for your words of wisdom and thanks for putting up with me and my ups and downs. And I am sorry for anything that I have taken out on you and probably will do again :)

Meg Dana, what can I say thanks so much for coming over today, even though I tried to almost cancel. It was nice to get my mind off things, talk about other things and relax. The 3 Amigos! Its so funny because all of us are so different from each other but we do have something in common.....WGS lol. You guys are great and thank you so much for your support. And Dana I really apreciated all the "good" pictures, you know which ones I mean! Also I appreciate all the other people who are there for me for whatever. The one thing I can say thru all this is that are lots of people who are there for me and my family and it is fantastic to have that kind of support. Thank you all so much!

As I said Alan is here and Tracy, Justin and Brooke will be up early tomorrow. I look forward to a nice family day. Danielle is bringing macaroni salad, Paige made potatoe salad and we will do chicken on the grill, both barbeque and white sauce. Since Paige's manager sent her home with this message "stay positive", I am going to say that tomorrow will be a GREAT day!

PS....Joyce ABAQUITA

Mom got the sweetest gift from our friend Joyce in the Phillipines. Joyce is a follower of the blog her little icon say "i love connie". Mom met Joyce via facebook via me. I know Joyce because she works for a company that does work for mine. We struck up a friendship and she loved all the OSU stuff I sent her at Christmas and mom sent her some stuff as well. Yesterday, there was a package from Joyce and she knows mom loves flowers. Well, Joyce saw these flowered scented bags with little hangars on them and you hang them whereever you want the flower scent. She told mom when she smelled them it would be like her being right there with mom. Joyce is the sweetest person and wow I think she has everyone in the Phillipines praying for mom! Joyce thank you again for your kindness, thoughfullness and prayers you are such a blessing to us!!!

Tuesday June 22, 2010

Sorry I have not had time to write, but really beat! This is very stressful, thought it would be easy to handle but it really is not. Lets be honest, someone is give X amount of time compared to someone who just passes all the sudden. I like the way Carrie explained it, when my Uncle her dad Bob and his brother Tom died it was unexpected and the pain was like tearing off a bandaid real quick, not that the pain is not still there, but it was quick and fast. Being handed X amount of time and watching someone decline is like slowly tearing off that bandaid, its not quick and not fast and you are constantly reminded of the pain.

I told someone today that writing this blog is getting harder to do and do I really put it all out there? Do I tell when it is really bad or what? I guess being honest is the best. I have been honest so far but I see changes in mom but one thing I do see that is positive is that she is trying. As a matter of fact she came out of the bedroom this evening while dad and I were watching a movie and said "hey lets have potroast for dinner tomorrow, we need a good meal". She said "Lee lay it out and I can sear it in the morning and Ang I can make sure I get some potatoes peeled". And tonight she wanted the Mandarin Orange salad that Carrie gave us the recipe for and even though she was asleep when I came in from work tonight she popped up and tried to help get it together. She did go cut the parsley and pulled up a few green onion and sauted the sugar and almonds but it was a stretch. Then she had to lay down she was sick at her stomache. But she did eat hmmm about a cup of the salad and 3 pieces of popcorn chicken.

But here is what I dont understand, she is tired, weak, sleeps alot, has pain but somewhat controlled, is sick at her stomache, pain in her upper abdomen, and does not eat very much, is shaky and has no interest or patience for anything. Now, is that recovery from surgery, the cancer or the drugs? I asked my aunt tonight how in the heck do you know? But honestly, I see her declining and I dont like it period! I want my mom back!

As for her mind, well that is my Dad! He is on top of everything and know exactly what is going on when and keeping her up to date. Like I said he is her mind, if that makes sense. Dad has been the best thru all this really, because Paige and I have been up and down and I take things out on Paige and her me. But really Dad is the ROCK! What a fantastic husband, father and grandpa! I love you dad and thanks for the all you are doing and especially for the movie tonight even though you already watched it, it was good!

Our upcoming schedule is Friday afternoon she sees Dr Price the surgeon to get the staples removed. She thinks that will make her feel better atleast in that area and it really does look good. Thank you Dr Price. Now dont get me wrong I am not blaming anyone but that was all for NOT and it waisted alot of time. Then Monday is the Oncologist Dr Segal and I really dont know what this appointment will be about, but I will say this, it better get things started and moving forward and fast. I have never been so sick of waiting except when I was expecting Paige! Now that I think about it maybe I should not be there because if they dont fullfill my expectations I will be mad. I hope they dont say well next week we will do this then that, oh boy I better keep myself in check.

Dad will be gone most of the day tomorrow and again I am grateful for where I work because I work from home tomorrow and can be right her if she needs anything. I am going to put Paige to work and try to teach her what mom has taught me ie cleaning and yard work! Please pray for that lol.

Love you all :)